A Loss

October 15, 2015

Yesterday, I went to go see the first picture of my baby.. the baby that’s been growing in me for the last few weeks.  I was so excited to hear his or her heartbeat and see a little peanut on the screen.  My mom was with me and my 3 year old son was with me too.  I told him we were going to see pictures of the baby.

When the ultrasound technician got started, I was happy and smiling but as the session ended, I was confused.  Why didn’t she let us hear the heartbeat or give me pictures or explain what we were looking at.  I knew something was wrong.  The picture on the screen didn’t look like my son looked at this stage.  There was nothing there.

I sat in the waiting room perplexed.  The lady sitting next to me was smiling over her baby and concerned about the milk in his bottle not being warm enough.  I watched through the office’s window – I saw the tech talking to the doctor and showing him my ultrasound pictures.  It didn’t look good.

I was called back to a room I’ve never been in before and told to strip down from the waist down.  I sent my husband a text, “I think there’s something wrong”.  The doctor walked in and he didn’t sugarcoat it.  He said, “We couldn’t find a heartbeat”. My thoughts and fears confirmed, I immediately break down into tears.  I couldn’t control myself.  The doctor tried to console me by telling me it’s natural and he threw out some number of women who miscarry in the first trimester.  None of that mattered to me.

My baby was gone before he or she was ever here.

What came next, I was not prepared for.  The doctor said I have 3 options. 1) Let “it” pass naturally. 2) Have a D&C or 3) a pill to induce miscarriage. All I could think about was – what if they made a mistake.  I opted for the first option.

I’ve experienced no bleeding and I have serious doubt that there is no baby growing.  I can’t help but think that maybe I ovulated later and the baby is just too little to detect.  I’ve read about some women going through this and eventually miscarrying but I’ve read other stories about women going in 2 weeks later to find their baby’s heart beating and squirming around.

Whatever happens, it’s in God’s hands.

November 3, 2015

So, I had an ultrasound and blood work done last week and there was still no heartbeat but there was a fetal pole.  I got a call yesterday from my doctor telling me that it definitely looks like a blighted ovum based on the blood work.   They suggested a d&c.

I’m going back in tomorrow for another ultrasound and to talk about my options.  I don’t want to do a d&c… I don’t think in my case it’s medically necessary.  Plus, I think my body is starting the process on its own.   I had cramping yesterday and some mild cramping today with some crazy noises from my stomach.  At this point, I just want this to be over.

Jackson knew about the baby.  I was so excited – I couldn’t wait to tell him he was going to be a big brother.  I was hoping he would just forget if I didn’t mention the baby.  However, Jackson has an incredible memory and every few days he asks about the baby.  Today he put a blanket on my stomach and said it was for the baby.  I teared up and had to tell him there wasn’t a baby anymore.  I told him that God decided we needed to wait a little while before having another baby.

This has been such a confusing journey.  I was so excited to expect another baby and I instantly bonded with the life that was supposed to be growing inside me.  I changed my diet and made sure to take my prenatal vitamins.  We made plans to remodel the home to have another bedroom and I was already making lists of baby items I needed.  Then – I was told there wasn’t a baby.  There was never a baby.

I’m not looking forward to my appointment tomorrow.  I don’t want to see a picture of my empty womb again.

8 Comments

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there and remember the confusion you speak of. I have been praying for all of you and my heart breaks for you. Thankfully we serve a healing God! Love you so much!!

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